i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
