why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize