i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize