mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
