i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
