I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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