Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
