I wish I could teleport
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you would pick up someone in the library
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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