I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize