I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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