dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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