I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
