they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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