So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
