So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
