Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
