They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
