It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
