new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize