My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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