Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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