If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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