And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
