I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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