this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
