your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
