Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
