you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
