omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
