why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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