You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize