i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
