your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
