so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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