cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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