I heard we made out
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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