Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
