look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
