Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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