tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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