The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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