Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
