smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
