the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
