Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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