I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
