Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
