Umm I'm too high to move.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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