omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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