tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize