why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
