I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
