Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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