I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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