could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
