I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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