guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
