I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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