Who did Billy Mays play for?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
