she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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