You're a womanizer and a bitch.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
