Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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