I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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