I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm having to shit out rocks
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