explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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